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My boyfriend does not like sex

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for a total of about five years now. I say total, as we were together for three years, apart for three years and have been back together for two.

I would say that the main reason that we broke up the first time (for me) was that there was literally no sex, ever! We discussed it a number of times but he always just said the same thing – I’m not that bothered about sex, yes I do fancy you, etc.

We got back together a few years later in every way, except sexually; we are made for each other. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love him. Despite the spark being reignited a little initially, the sex still isn’t there. I’ve tried to talk to him but I have got nowhere.

Friends say that I should give up as it’s obvious that he just doesn’t fancy me, but I know from his brother that I’m not the first girl he”s been like this with.

I know that often two people have different sex drives but his really is close to non-existent. He never masturbates, if he does get the occasional erection it doesn’t last. I can’t get through to him because every time I try and talk to him he shuts off. I’ve tried to bring up his past, talk about whether he fancies girls or boys but got nowhere.

I would love to go and talk to a therapist with him but know he’d never come.

What I really need to know is whether it’s possible for a bloke to have no sex drive at all. It’s affecting our relationship again but this time I want to sort it out.

There’s no one else I could want to be with. I feel shallow for making sex a big deal but at the end of the day it is. I have gone from being a very sexually confident person to constantly worrying about my figure, technique, you name it! Neither of us seems to initiate anything anymore! Who can help?

Answer

David writes:

Well, it’s nice that you love this guy so much. But it’s perfectly possible that he has no sex drive at all.

Obviously, another possibility is that deep down he is really gay.

Anyway, you’re not going to be able to change him. You’re now 27, and you must think carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship forever.

Christine adds:

In such situations as this one, there is sometimes a sex problem, like the man’s inability to climax, or the man’s inability to maintain an erection. These problems can lead to the avoidance of sex. But what is noticeable in your guy’s case is that he just doesn’t seem interested.

If this is really true – and he is not quietly getting his kicks from porn on the Internet (which often happens when a couple are not having sex because of actual technical problems) – then I think it is just possible that he is one of those rare men who has virtually no sex drive.

Now that would be fine if you had none either. But you have. And if you are thinking of going in for a life-long commitment and children, then first of all you need to get him to perform so you can conceive kids, and secondly you have to try to ask yourself whether this relationship would be fulfilling enough for you were it never to become more sexual.

Now, it seems to me that you still think you can change this guy. But I think David may be right when he says you won’t be able to. If someone is not interested – as opposed to being someone who is interested but who has a performance problem – then that person usually cannot understand what all the fuss is about. And is unlikely to even want to try to change.

Now, it is just possible that he wants to hang on to you so much that he will agree to come and have some Relate counselling with you, but if he can’t or won’t do this, it seems to me that your only option is to deal with your sex drive another way.

In any event, it’s quite possible that even if he comes for counselling he will still have no sexual interest.

I’d love to wave a magic wand for you and tell you how to change your guy – but it sounds like if anyone is going to change it’s going to have to be you. Can you live this way forever? I personally doubt it – but I’m afraid no one can decide it for you. Sorry.

Best wishes.

Yours sincerely

Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, Sex and Relationships Expert

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