A window to my world

Archive for January, 2010

making myself happy.

means buying stuff! lol..



somehow slipping into depression. Trying not to let emotions get the better of me and ruin the moods of others. But i cant help feeling down.. Family probs and the first time im feelin so financially restricted. Feelin tired and unable to focus. Studies dun trigger curiosity in me anymore… I jus need a break away from them… Lord, help me.


im just pissed. so fuckin pissed with my dad. I’m already 20 going 21! I need my space! WHY MUST HE DICTATE WHAT I DO, HOW I DO, WHAT TIME I SLEEP? SO BLOODY FUCKED UP. i need to BREATHE.

How can I love my boyfriend more?

A story and cool advice from http://www.love-your-boyfriend.com/i-love-my-boyfriend.html

I love my boyfriend. I love him so much, but something got in the way of me really loving him.

That amazing bliss we felt at the beginning of our relationship felt like sunshine, teddy bears and chocolate cake all rolled up in one. It’s was like being an angel in heaven, flying through the clouds.

I thought our relationship was made in heaven and he was the man that was going to meet all of my needs.

We moved to Thailand together. I got really sick and my sickness lasted for three months. It was difficult to get better. It was like I was in some weird sickness loop. I hardly had any energy. I got grumpy and depressed.

This affected my relationship with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, but I didn’t have the energy and the patience to do what it takes to create a happy relationship.

Our Relationship Started Falling Apart

In fact, I started doing many things that created an unhappy relationship. I started complaining and crying a lot. I got upset with my boyfriend for the littlest things. We started to fight often, which made me feel even sicker.

I felt like our relationship was falling apart. The lips that used to speak words of love to me were now speaking words of criticism and frustration. I started to turn away from my boyfriend and he started to turn against me. Where was all the love we used to feel for each other?

Unfulfilled Expectations

Because I was sick I had an expectation that my boyfriend should take care of me. I wanted HIM to take care of me, instead of me taking care of myself. I wanted every ounce of love and attention he could give me as I was coughing and whining in my sick bed.

I was very demanding and this pushed him away. The more he turned away from me the more devastated I became. I had very bad feelings towards him and I thought he should go into sacrifice to take care of me.

Expecting him to meet all of my needs was actually holding back the relationship. This got in the way of me loving him.

Changing My Attitude

I needed to do something quick to change my attitude.

Right around this time I had the luxury of interviewing Gyan Almira Terra, counselor and relationship coach from Brazil. According to Gyan, most relationships are actually “relation-sheeps.”

Just as sheep look and beg for food from its owner, people in romantic relationships tend to take from their partner. “Relation-sheeps” always fail because people are thinking, “Give me, give me, give me.” When we are in a space of taking, relationships fail.

Relating Instead of Taking

Gyan recommends “relating” instead of being in a relation-sheep. “Relating” in Gyan’s terms means to:

       Share what you have already.

       Accept your boyfriend just as he is. There is nothing to change.

       Shift your thinking from, “I want, I want” to “I give, I give.”

The love in my relationship was drying up because I was taking instead of giving.

Fulfillment Comes from Within

Gyan told me that we can never be happy in a relationship when we look to our boyfriend to fulfill us. Fulfillment comes from within. How could I love my boyfriend, if I was looking only to him to fulfill me? It was impossible.

I immediately stopped looking to him to fulfill and take care of me. I started to take care of myself.

“Happiness is the purpose of relationship, and it does not come from our partner meeting our needs. Happiness comes from our ability to make contact, to give and receive and to bridge the differences to form an integration for a new level of confidence in our relationship.”
– Chuck Spezzano

Even though I love my boyfriend and love spending time with him, I spent more time alone. This helped me to get in tune with my needs and to take action in my life.

My Self-Love Actions

I did yoga everyday.
Yoga energizes me. It’s like a gas station that fills me up with fuel. (See my yoga blog)

I spent time with my girlfriends.
It is very healing for me to spend time with cool women. Girl talk miraculously energizes and heals me.

I released my negative thoughts and feelings though journaling.
Instead of “dumping” my emotional self on my boyfriend, I would dump onto the paper. It was amazing to see how many of my negative thoughts got released through journaling.

I meditated.
Gyan stressed the importance of self awareness though meditation as the key to self happiness and ability to “relate”. It is our minds and our thoughts that cause dissatisfaction in relationships. Meditation brings stillness to the mind and peace to our lives.

I got massages.
I feel deeply nurtured after a massage. I get so realxed. They are such a wonderful treat.

Self Love Equals More Love For My Boyfriend

Since I started integrating “self love” into my life, my relationship with my boyfriend has dramatically improved. I love my boyfriend….and I love myself too.

Loving and taking care of myself has helped me to love my boyfriend more. Since I am feeling full in myself, I now come from a space of giving instead of taking.

How did I love my boyfriend more? I loved myself.



a thank you note

You’re like the brother I never had,

The friend I’ve always needed.

My truth when I need a jolt of reality,

Unfortunately, not always heeded.

Your honesty is never lost on me

I marvel at your generosity.

I learn from you, laugh with you, and argue with you.

You listen to me, laugh at me, and keep me true.

I wanted to share these things, before life interfered inevitably.

As life always does, in ways we may not be able to foresee.

So Friend, let me take this moment to recognize you.

My friend, brother and more, I just wanted to say

Thank You.”


i din write this. but i forgot who wrote this..

how do you know if you’re in love?

It is a very common question, “How can I tell I’m in love?”, but it is not an easy question to answer. What feels like love to one person may be nothing more than attraction to another. Some people fall in and out of love quickly and often while others are never really in love as much as they are in lust. This can get confusing when you are a teen because romantic love is a relatively new concept for you and you don’t know what to expect. You are overwhelmed with all sorts of new feelings and social pressures. They are confusing. What is love? What makes you want a romantic relationship with one person and not another? How does your heart choose a partner? Why does love end? These questions can’t be easily answered.

One of the most confusing quasi-love feelings is lust. Lust is a very powerful, very intense feeling of physical attraction toward another person. Lust is mainly sexual in nature – the attraction is superficial based on instant chemistry rather than genuine caring. Usually we lust after people we do not know well, people we still feel comfortable fantasizing about. It is very common for people to confuse lust for love. But why? What is it about lust and love that make them so easy to mix up? If lust is all about sex, how can a relationship without sex be about lust? Teens struggle with this because they see lust in the Biblical sense, but lust isn’t that sinister. Lust is about physical attraction and acting ONLY on physical attraction. Love is about much more than that. Yet many teens (and to be fair, many adults) confuse an intense attraction for some sort if divine love. For teens, since feelings of attraction are still new and since pop-culture sells sex and love as one package, it is very easy to get the two mixed up.

Lust is clearly not love. Love is based on more than just physical attraction. Sure, attraction is a factor, but love goes deeper than that. Love is based on caring, friendship, commitment and trust. When you are in love it is as if you have your best most trusted friend at your side AND you feel physically attracted to them. It is the best of both worlds! Love is a shared feeling between two people who have a vested interest in one anothers happiness. Love is not about jealousy. It is not about conflict. It is not about testing. Love is a positive feeling. If it is tainted by mistrust, jealousy, insecurity or spitefulness it is not really love but merely a pale copy. Love is the total surrender of your heart to another person with the security of knowing they will treat it better than you will. Love should feel good. It should not feel bad. Love should make you want to be a better person, it should not lead you to do something self destructive. Love is not demanding of your spirit but lifts it and makes it glow. Love is a good thing. Anything less is lust, deep friendship or attraction. So the sappiness aside, the question remains, how can you tell you are in love?

There is no easy way to find the truth behind your feelings or the feelings of another person but there are some tell-tale signs that love is blooming (or growing deeper). If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.

  1. You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind.
  2. The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.
  3. If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.
  4. Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.
  5. When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).
  6. Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends – if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.
  7. Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other’s loyalties or feelings.
  8. You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.
  9. If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.

ok apart from the last one, i feel like the rest are met =D


without facebook, I won’t be able to find my pri sch best friend.. =] had fun on saturday with her. after 8 long years! She’s grown prettier, says I have too.. but family ppl thinks otherwise. =] really happy on saturday.

thanks the special someone for his lavendar tea.

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